[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
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I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.