If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
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Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.