Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
You Might Also Like
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?