My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
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Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
This will never not be funny 😭
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.