wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
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Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Born to be mild.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.