fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
You Might Also Like
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.