Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
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(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I have a type: disappointing
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
“Wait, let me explain..”
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”