My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Wednesday
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!