They’re on their honeymoon
You Might Also Like
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.