[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
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[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
brian had himself a morning…
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”