Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.