What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
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i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Best seat on the street 😍
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐