Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
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My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
my proudest tweet
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.