Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
You Might Also Like
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Stick it to the man
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman