When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
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[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.