Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
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I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.