BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
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“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?