grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
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I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge