We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.