I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
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There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there