My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
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Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Harsh but fair
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.