[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
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“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.