Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
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In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
sigh
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.