Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
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Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
i was baptized in a car wash
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I falcon love using swear birds
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic