Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
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leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*