HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
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Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.