while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
You Might Also Like
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
called in thicc to work this morning
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*