The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
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Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
President The Rock Obama
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.