News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
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people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
ouch
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Always a metermaid never a meter
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Finally
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude