Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
You Might Also Like
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.