animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
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After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I’d love this…lol
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes