I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
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i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I think I’m having a stroke
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.