I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
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My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.