“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
You Might Also Like
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I have a place for everything. The floor.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?