Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
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Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday