My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
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Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
live long and prosper!
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
We are the people our parents warned us about.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
who will stop them
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.