If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
You Might Also Like
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Sign at work today
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
How to woo a woman
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?