People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
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How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
haha same
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*