Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
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IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Maths meets science
water it, i dare you
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.