*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
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Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.