What my back needs
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Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.