You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
You Might Also Like
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.