The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
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A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af