My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
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My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Trumpy Cat
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn