What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
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Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this