From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
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If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
accurate
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
They’re really bad with fonts.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God