Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
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Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
selena gomez
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra