I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
You Might Also Like
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.