Mmmmm white people
– sharks
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You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
two people or more is called a problem
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of