A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
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FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
thinking about a very short hotdog
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages